My Life, A Cocktail

The fact that the New Year’s almost here, the fact that it is the last day of the year, always makes me so nostalgic. Just like what you feel when you leave a home, or sell your car. I lived through the bygone year, and it makes me feel sad to leave that time and move on to a newer one. But I guess, just how it is with homes and cars, we move on, we learn to like the new life, reminiscing the old ones now and then. The 31st of December. In India, it was always exciting. For one, it would in all probability be a holiday, if not, you could at least manage to get off early. But the more exciting thing would be the TV programmes lined up in the night. You wouldn’t know what channel to watch, some would be hosting award ceremonies, some others interviews with the best of stars, some other cultural shows. You would spend the night flipping through, so you get a glimpse of everything, lest your friend calls up tomorrow to wish you and tell you the very program you missed was the best on earth...

Sitting here in my BIG cube, I wonder. If it hadn’t been for all this technology, for all the knowledge I have of these technologies, for all the work these machines do for me, I wouldn’t have been here. I am like a controller, and these machines are what I control. I wonder if sometime way in the future, someone would invent an idea generator. It would generate ideas like humans, and there would be no idea on earth that it cannot generate. Would we humans be happy or sad about that? It would definitely be one of the best inventions of the time, and I can’t imagine the progress of the world with all the great ideas at the run of a program! perl idea_generator.pl build_strongest_bridge > best_bridge.out (Of course, idea_generator.pl calls a lot of other programs and CPAN modules. You know that! ) Humans would feel insecure. There wouldn’t be any meetings in office, no brainstorming sessions, no how-to-solve-this-issue crap. All that the project manager would say to you is “Run the d...

Once again, its Monday. I am sure I have written about Mondays before. “Monday Blues” is what I think I called it. Back in Infosys. Today is different. I am not too glad that I have to go to work, but I am not blue either. I like what I do at my work. I am up early, everyday, not just Monday, get ready, make breakfast, pack lunches and wait for my fiance. He drops me off to work everyday. Monday is about that moment when I get out of the car, and wave to him a bye. It feels like going to school as a kid, a feeling of insecurity of being away from something you love and know so well. He smiles, silently assuring me that he’ll be back to pick me up. I wave and smile back, and see him leave. I swipe my card, and the door clicks open. I am a whole new person, with energy and confidence. I swing through the day with ease. In the evening, when he calls, he tells me he’s a minute away from my office. Hurriedly I put off my computer to sleep, and rush to the door. I see his car lights flash in...

There are no bad people. Not in this face of the Earth that I know. Who defines what is good and what is not. Society. Minds. Perspectives. From an objective point of view, perspectives symbolize freedom. Freedom doesn’t bound within any limits. Limitlessness is Nature, and Nature is good. Actions are governed by perspectives. There are no bad people. Not in this face of the Earth that I know.

It hits you when after so long standing in a queue that spanned miles, after a 10 second interview, you come out with an end to end smile, glorious as though having won the Battle of Panipat. In two days, the courier service brings it to you, your American Visa. That’s when it hits you, and your family. In no time, you are on your flight, feeling sick about leaving home, scared about how you would fare in a whole strange world. You know your family is feeling like having a part of their body amputated, and yet you smile to them and say a spurious “I wont be gone for long”. Enter the US of A. Different people, different perspectives, a whole different attitude to things. You adjust. You look at them and learn. Mimic. In a couple of years, while you had no time to realize or notice anything around, you find yourself in a high paying job, a mini family here with you, consisting of a sole member, a wife you married hurriedly during a short business trip to India. You are still trying hard...

With an empty bag of questions I wander In search of answers. Trying to find meaning Associating logic Inside hollows. Explaining nature Deriving proofs Of the abstract.

Sometimes there is a need to inherit. Coz not all things in life can be taught, and a lot of things that can be, you don’t always get an opportunity to learn. I am especially proud of having inherited discipline from my mom. No, I am not talking of the kind that military schools enforce, I am talking about the discipline that most moms have, the discipline of organization, the discipline of efficiency, the discipline of being economical, the discipline of home making and keeping. I have been lucky to have such a mom, and unlucky to not have learnt whenever she taught. But today, as I cook in my kitchen, I realize, I sure have inherited a hell lot. I am not the tidiest lot when it comes to it really, but the little I have, I owe to my mom. I can’t use a spoon and leave it there for someone else to clean. I can’t chop vegetables exactly the way they are not supposed to be chopped. I can cook without having half the ingredients required, and can remember to use all if I have them. I can’t...

I don’t know what gripped me, but I crawled on my knees, across the expanse of my empty living room. It felt difficult, my knees already felt weak, and a rising pain shot through my leg. “What’s wrong with you?” I said to myself. “You could do this even as a kid!” Fortunately or otherwise, I had grown up. And little things like crawling and so many other things, weren’t practical anymore. I laughed at myself. “Grown up! Yeah, right!” Grown up meant having to make plans, and even worse, make them happen. Grown up meant to keep track of every cent you spent, and still be dumbfounded with the mystery of the missing five hundred bucks when the spreadsheets didn’t tally at the end of every month. Grown up meant being condemned for making the silliest of mistakes. Grown up meant having hurried lunches and dinners and breakfasts. Grown up meant forgetting birthdays, even your own, even worse, not believing in the celebration anymore. Grown up meant saying things you hardly meant, and hearing ...

I can smile, and talk and make them believe That I am in total awe of their appeal Underneath my worn out mask you can see A bitter face, and a bitter me. For, some relationships you need to keep Despite the fact you don’t believe Can’t give them a whiff of your thoughts Can’t show them their flaws. And they are nice to you too They have their masks too So you hug and kiss, as people gaze Some in awe, some in rage. Someday I’ll get tired and weary And have the guts to be solitary That day I’ll tear off my mask and cease And witness my friends become enemies.

Balloons, different colors, the ones that fly with no sense of gravity unless you constrain them to your limits. Bunches of them, all huddled up next to each other like they could sense the chill outside, and the coldness inside. Kids jumped now and then, in an attempt to reach them. Others just passed by, indifferently, occasionally grazing them, and the balloons would just move to let the people have their space. They blended in so well with the ambience that no one even cared to notice. And yet these balloons existed for a purpose. They made the place lively, happy. Not being able to take the insensitivity, a balloon bursts. Everyone looks up instantly.

With every ripple I see in the water A bright sunflower With new hope and power. Translate: For every problem I encounter in life, when I look inside myself, when I introspect, I find a new thought, a new idea, a new way of living life. For puzzles lovers like me. Sun Ripple Jigsaw Puzzle

"God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist." This was a quote I read on my way to some relatives place. My funny brain shuffled a word, and came up with this. God does not believe in atheists, therefore God does not exist.

Everyone should cry from time to time. Like a routine. I hardly cried. Someone close to my heart also told me once that crying, especially in front of others, made you look weak. And I believed. So I went on, adding to the façade, I was ‘strong’. A lot of my friends cried. They came to me when they cried. And I would lecture them on life’s non-existent philosophies, and they would be consoled. I made them ‘strong’. Today I cry. Now and then, quite often. It is important for me. It keeps me rid of so many diseases that result from stress. Crying is no sign of weakness. In fact, it takes guts to cry. Let it out, it is so important to blend with the energies of life.

For I had not known then, what life had in store. I did hold on to the past, for a few months, and then it stopped to make sense, and the new overwhelming world took over. Now and then, the wind would blow, and faint memories would flood my eyes. I would just brush them off. I don’t really know if I made the decision to go by the flow, or whether it just happened. My life took a different course then on, it was exciting I must admit, and it brought me here, to where I am today. Sometimes I think, what if life hadn’t taken the course it took, what if I had held on to the past, what if I hadn’t forgotten the things I forced myself to forget. Would I still be here today? Would I have been happier? Would I have been disappointed? I crave to know. But then, I find the solace in the idea that someone else in this big world, is living that life that I gave up. I like to believe that all the permutations and combinations that result from the different choices we make in life, the different lif...

I have had several definitions of God. I have been a theist at times, a true atheist at other times. And today, I believe in God, once again. Differently. God is an influential force. Anything that can influence me. People, friends, some relatives, animals, nature, the sky, clouds, the rainbow, flowers, books, the TV, music, sounds, absolutely anything. I see the power of God in so many things, each thing that affects me. I feel the power of God in the hug that my boyfriend gives me when I see him after a lonely vacation. I feel the power of God in the kiss that my nephew plants on my cheek every time I play with him. I feel the power of God in the drops of rain that fall on my outstretched arms as I await them. I feel the power of God in the air that brushes through my hair when I swing high and low. I feel the power of God in the conversation I have with certain minds that lead me towards the answers I seek. I feel the power of God in those rare moments of truth that I experience whe...

The Super Star. The Boss. Rajani. Sivaji. There is just one simple thing that any Rajani fan expects from his movies. Style. And I must say, I am not disappointed. Sivaji has loads of style, in terms of looks, fashion, sets, and what I call “punch” dialogues. Rajani looks his youngest best, and has come back with amazing energy. Highlights The motorbike stunt in the Athiradee song looks just too cool. I know it’s something too many people have done before too, but then, its special when its Rajani, isn’t it? The MGR and Sivaji Ganesan mimic songs are also well performed that they take you on a ride through memory lane. Sivaji’s Email client, a voice recognition system was another of those eyebrow raising things that even 007 BMW’s wouldn’t bring. Some of Rajani’s dialogues are just mind boggling. Some of my favorites: “Kanna naan parkkadhaan software, yeranginen naa hardware!” “Naan nenucha adhu nadandha maadiri, naan nadandha adhu jayicha maadiri!” “Sivaji sirucha joli, muraicha maap...

We were on our usual biking round. Biking is fun, I have come to realize, every day we cycle all the way up to the Red river and back. Today, we opted for a longer route than usual. Happily cruising in the fourth gear, we almost had come to the end of our route. That’s when it happened. I saw two ladies who had suddenly stopped in the middle of the pathway, as though something was wrong. My friend was ahead of me, and as he neared them, he pulled up. I, not knowing what things were all about, went right ahead. Just when I was there, I realized there was something on the ground, and I was almost gonna squash it. Everyone screamed. I swept through, and stopped only when I heard relieved sighs. Ok, so I hadn’t squashed it after all, I thought. But what was it? It was a little sparrow, a baby, that had been thrown on the pathway by the wind. We found another one lying on the grass near by. My friend helped the little sparrow back along with its sibling. We exchanged little grateful thanks ...

It hurts to see something that you had so carefully nurtured all your life, fall into pieces in front of your eyes, and you weeping helplessly over it. There is no answer, you know it, but somehow don’t want to accept this strange fact, coz you have been brought up with encouragement and inspiration that could make you soar towering heights, and you had always liked to believe that nothing’s impossible. At least that’s what you have been telling yourself all your life whenever you’ve felt down. But now, wiping your tears, you feel hopeless and you realize that all those talks of encouragement were a mere fantasy world that you or someone nice had created for you to feel better. This time you ask, how many times will I build castles in the air, how many times will I wait for things to change for the better? There is no better. Whatever there is, is all that is, coz I haven’t been able to make it better. Some problems just work themselves to a state where there is no solution.

I think of life as layers. With people scattered across each layer. At every layer, I meet people belonging there, or rather, people who are visiting that layer, at that moment, with me. Those people are my life. I achieve something, learn something, and then its time to move on. I am scared to leave my layer, coz that is my life. But I have to go, step into another layer. It’s like death. And rebirth. This new layer holds new people, new experiences. They become my life. And the cycle( I don’t know how vicious) goes on…

I see a tree In the distance My tree With leaves as hopes I see the tree Flower and grow The sun nursing it And the rains quenching its thirst And then one day The wind blows A leaf falls And shatters a hope I hate the wind For he takes away What I am desirous of My life The day comes When all my leaves are gone The tree stands still Waiting With the spring Hopes rise Colors bloom A new life Till the day The rejuvenation ceases No new leaves No new hopes That day The tree’s dead It has lost its purpose There is no life…

When someone says they love you, you back up. Possibly you are scared, you know you can’t handle too much of love. In fact, you don’t want to. When someone says they don’t love you, you stay. You stay craving for some hint of love because you think you can’t live without it. In fact, you don’t want to.

Sitting in a pub, with the crowd growing wild with the night, I realized that it is always too early to die. There is so much to know, to feel, to understand, to experience. Every moment that I live is new, even boredom has novelty.

For the love I had for life, I didnt jump off the balcony that night. I dont really know what it was that prompted me, to climb on the parapet wall, and look down the abyss, where little cars moved, as though in a game world. Somehow my so-called conscious had given away to the temptation that lay below, thousands of layers beneath the little cars, a world where there was no me. I longed to fall, with triumphant eyes, it seemed like I was almost there. Just at that moment, a rain drop fell on my shoulder, and I was transported to the world around me. I stepped back in horror. Sometimes, when I think of God, I would think it was He who brought the rain drop. Coz that night, it never rained, just a few drops, and that is all. Perhaps there were other people like me, standing on the parapet wall, desirous of achieving the unknown, who had to be saved. And so, He brought the drops with him. At other times, it feels like cowardice. For having taken the step, and quit. I dont know if it was ...

I was walking my way to the bus stop, I had my last exam. It was windy. The grass was beginning to take its lustre, after the long winter. The trees had started to bloom colors. And suddenly it happened. A gust of wind, from nowhere, and I had flower petals falling all over me, from the tree above. I thought it happened only in the movies. For me, just being in love did it.

I have been thinking, about holidays, about love. Ofcourse, I don't need a holiday to fall in love. Every day is a holiday, every day we could fall in love, all over again, with the same person. Like I do. It's in that little moment, that you don't notice, that love is created. Nicely put in the movie, "Look at me, just for now. Be quiet, please...". That, according to me, is "the moment". And how we live our lives, surrounded by these moments..... unrealized.....

Little girls with their daddies Out at the coffee shop eating icecream Talking, laughing, spending time Times they'll cherish through their lives. The daddies are asking questions About school, and naughty boys They have soaring dreams For their little girl child The girls are feeling pretty Being pampered, and looked after They are telling stories That they'll remember years after. Looking at them, I'm thinking If only time could stop still If only I could watch them Be like this forever.....

The metal clanked as I lifted the lid I felt the inside with my hands The touch of thick paper Rises hopes I am hasty And struggle to get them all At once I hurt my hand But I don’t mind it I try to see the names… No, not this one… Not even this one… They are addressed to friends Whom I begin to hate instantly Until the last one falls down from my hands And wiping it I see my name Yes, this one’s for me Finally a mail from somebody I don’t care what it holds Perhaps a bill Or a credit card offer But that doesn’t matter Coz a moment has passed happy And that is what I live for… Passing moments… Happy ones…

On the swing Absolutely free I don’t believe in gravity.. At the coffee shop Always so busy I don’t believe I am lonely.. Writing my thoughts Being only me I don’t believe in society.. Walking with him Sweet and funny I don’t believe in conditionality.. Reading a book Silently I don’t believe in reality..

Today, when I went out in the night, to swing I looked up at the sky, and saw a little star wink I followed its friends, they made a question mark I don't know if it was intended, or if it was by chance.....

Swinging high I tried to see The world. Going up wasn’t success Neither going down a failure Somehow none of it mattered Coz in there was Just the air The sky The stars And me.

Sometimes I dream and it takes me away They say its a dream I am taught to believe so And so I discard thoughts That show me reality When I am sleeping. I feel and touch and smell Paradise Divinity. It would defy "The Rules" and so I cant accept what I find within me. And so I live on Forgetting, Everytime I awake.....

Its one of the nicest place on earth, I bet. I am sure all coffee lovers, and perhaps even non-coffee lovers agree. Its about 3.30 in the afternoon, and I am here at the coffee shop, tapping away at my laptop, with a white chocolate mocha by my side. Its bliss. Sitting by the french windows, watching the outside getting clear, sipping coffee, thinking about all the nice things in life.... you are immeadiately transported to this new world, where you smile, and sense the simplicity of life. I always said, its not in diamond rings or in inexpensive gifts. Its in moments like these. There is so much to do here, in this coffee shop. You could be one like me, sitting alone, relishing as the moments pass by with every drop of coffee. Or you could be one with the friends, talking, laughing, doing stupid things. Or you could be the one watching tv, or reading the papers. Or you could be the one playing chess, or doing the jigsaw. I have been each one of them, and I know its fun. Its been 2 hou...

Sitting here in the computer room, waiting for my server to boot, lots of thoughts seem to be flooding in. This room seems to be some kinda pandemonium, like my mind, a workshop, where there is so much to sort out, and machines that do the sorting. I am the creator here, the creator of problems that I program the machines to solve. In that, I sense achievement. In my little workshop, machines are my friends, and I can talk to them. Ofcourse, we have a set of rules that govern our conversations, but then thats fine, infact its better this way. My machines know what I want, better than anyone else, and keep my stuff to themselves. They don't brag like people do, they dont feel ashamed when they fail me. I am not exactly sure if they have a mind, whether they think, and if Turing was alive, I suppose he could tell. I think about these machines when I think about people. Humans. Methodologies that we use to program machines, methodologies that nature uses to program humans. They talk o...

Just finished reading a classic paper by Alan Turing. One of his ideas in my words.... I have always been fascinated by the human mind. And I have always been searching. Searching for answers to questions that troubled me, not knowing there were no answers at all. Every search seemed fruitful, coz always it seemed like getting ahead. And that gave me the inspiration to dig deep, till the end of space. As the years passed by, I found many answers, and I moved ahead. But life's charming act, everytime, a new question came, a new quest was sought. And I lived the quest, not knowing if there was an end. I liked to believe there was. What they call the ultimate discovery. I understand (perhaps don't realize just as yet) that this ultimate discovery is no discovery at all, or put otherwise, a discovery of nothingness. Like Turing says, its like peeling off the skin of an onion. Everytime you peel off a layer, you have gotten closer, but there is yet another layer to remove. And in th...

It happened in haste. The change was inevitable, and it was such that had promised misery. But as all things happen silently, the transition too got lost amidst people and their views. A month down the lane, in the kitchen, making myself a steaming cup of coffee, I suddenly remind myself of my pending share of disappointment. I have to feel sad. To say I miss the past, is normal. So I start on my journey, looking at things of the present, imagining them replaced by the past, and there I am, happily smiling.... Till the time I get bored.....

As I walked, the ice cracked under my feet. There was snow everywhere, and the pathways were all frozen. The wind was blowing, and I struggled to keep my scarf intact. The chill was numbing me, and my reassuring mind kept telling me that I was almost there. As I passed by the buildings, I noticed it. It was a dry earth colored leaf that stood out, like it had grown on snow and not on soil, amazingly straight. I wondered how it survived. All the leaves, I knew, had long fallen out, and the descent of the flakes had caressingly buried each one of them. And yet this leaf, different from the rest, did not seem to have succumbed. I wondered about me. When the fall comes, under the snow, I don’t want to be.

"Do you drink?" "No. And I never want to." "Oh com'on. You should try it someday..." This is how it all starts. I am sure a lot of you agree with me, and perhaps have had similar conversations. But one question that has haunted many a non-drinkers is, "Why do people drink?" We live in a conscious world. We are aware, always. Not in the spiritual sense though, but people are always necessarily thinking about other people. What people think, say and do, matters. In this conscious world, there is no room for moments of embarrasment, or stupidity. All you care about is, looking good. Living this constrained life, the mind often feels vexed. The thought of freedom feels like the gateway to salvation. But breaking the rules of the conscious world is unacceptable. And then you drink. And as the divine liquid flows down into you, uniting with the juice of existence, suddenly, you sense no rules. The conscious world poses like a theatre of jokers, and...