My Life, A Cocktail

It’s quite unbelievable what shifts in hormone levels can do to you. You feel like a different person and can’t identify or associate some of your own actions. You look at the past and stare and scream “That wasn’t me!”

Everyone considered her heartless. To her, she was the most sensitive and emotional person that ever existed. People thought of her as haughty and indifferent. She could never express her emotions without making herself and others uncomfortable. But she had so much passion inside her that no one had dared to discover. She didn’t have many friends. She genuinely cared for everyone, sometimes even for strangers, and could never wish for a bad thing to befall on even her worst enemies. There was her, and then there was... the perception of her.

Today’s the official last working day of the year. As I leave work, I feel content. And proud. It’s a truly amazing feeling. I love my job! Happy Holidays!

There are days when you wake up with a feeling of inadequacy. A gnawing feeling like you are losing out on something with every passing moment but you can’t really put your finger on it. Much like Kareena Kapoor in Jab We Met “Muje na raat ko bure bure sapne aate the, jaise ki meri train chuut rahi ho”. Deficits. Big holes we dig for ourselves that we can safely sink into aloof from reality. The wind blows and shifts the sand, it draws us back. We are tempted and scared all at the same time; we just dig deeper and deeper. We nurture our own deficits.

Been a while I have blogged… Life’s become busier than I had ever imagined for myself. I rush through the day like it’s a competition. I only focus on the job at hand, and can’t see why anything else would be important. And yet, as I sit here at my comfort desk, in this office that I love, doing this job that I worship, thoughts come floating by from far far away. They hit me like a splash of cold water on my face and the whole world comes to a screeching halt. With that, I am going to listen to Lucky Ali...

I am someone who appreciates being appreciated. And when it comes my way, the pride in me in so extreme that I can’t stand it when I am mistaken for someone else’s credit. And I realize today, pride can make us do as many good things as bad. Just as it can make you boast out aloud when the credit is truly yours to keep, it can also make you stand up and confess with a straight look that you aren’t worthy. Credit should always go where it belongs.

It’s hard to be a woman, a daughter, a wife and an employee, all at the same time. With all these varied demanding roles, you get so caught up that the role of a friend simply takes a backseat. If I take quick stats right now, I can shamelessly admit that I have only a handful that I can call friends. More like two or three. It’s not that I never had many friends, but amazingly, each and every “good” friend has just carelessly slipped into the dark shadows of my past life. I just want to thank God for giving me a chance to know them in this lifetime, and share a portion of my life with them. And I want to recognize that my life wouldn’t have been what it is without having known them. All I have is good wishes to give…

He isn’t going to be there when I get home tonight. He isn’t going to smile big and take my bag off my shoulders. He isn’t going to pick a fight with me for having taken him for granted for something today. He isn’t going to sit down to dinner with me. He isn’t going to watch TV in foreground and listen to my gibberish in the background. He isn’t going to shift himself to align to me as I shift in my sleep. He’s gone for 4 days and this is only the first. I can’t imagine a year full of weeks like these. Looking forward to Thursday, my new Friday.

Someone asked me a while ago, what is the most important thing in life? And I had replied, “Happiness”! This morning’s read got me thinking yet again about what influences my happiness. I have always believed people and circumstances affect you to the extent that you let them affect you. Certain people you hold dear to your heart and give them the access to make you happy or sad or inspired or whatever. You are the control giver, but you have no control over the control being abused. But today, with greater clarity I realize that there is one thing, above everything else, that influences my happiness. And that is me. I have the power to keep myself happy. And I am looking forward to using it luxuriously.

Woke up this morning scrubbing my eyes only to see 2 beautiful pots of button roses, one yellow, one red and 3 of my favorite boxes of chocolates. These are the best days of my life!

We often overlook what is right in front of our eyes and instead are distracted by the shiny little artificiality in the background. We take for granted our most important reasons for existence and consume our lives chasing trivial obsessions. And then there comes a time when life reveals the true nature of every relationship. We stare open mouthed and pretend to not believe. It often takes time for the actuality to sink into your skin. If we care to sit down and think, very soon we realize that there are some relationships that have never been shared equally. There is always a heavier end, and if that’s us, it becomes easier to let go. Here’s to making up for past ignorance and looking forward to value what is truly ours.