My Life, A Cocktail

It happened in haste. The change was inevitable, and it was such that had promised misery. But as all things happen silently, the transition too got lost amidst people and their views. A month down the lane, in the kitchen, making myself a steaming cup of coffee, I suddenly remind myself of my pending share of disappointment. I have to feel sad. To say I miss the past, is normal. So I start on my journey, looking at things of the present, imagining them replaced by the past, and there I am, happily smiling.... Till the time I get bored.....

As I walked, the ice cracked under my feet. There was snow everywhere, and the pathways were all frozen. The wind was blowing, and I struggled to keep my scarf intact. The chill was numbing me, and my reassuring mind kept telling me that I was almost there. As I passed by the buildings, I noticed it. It was a dry earth colored leaf that stood out, like it had grown on snow and not on soil, amazingly straight. I wondered how it survived. All the leaves, I knew, had long fallen out, and the descent of the flakes had caressingly buried each one of them. And yet this leaf, different from the rest, did not seem to have succumbed. I wondered about me. When the fall comes, under the snow, I don’t want to be.

"Do you drink?" "No. And I never want to." "Oh com'on. You should try it someday..." This is how it all starts. I am sure a lot of you agree with me, and perhaps have had similar conversations. But one question that has haunted many a non-drinkers is, "Why do people drink?" We live in a conscious world. We are aware, always. Not in the spiritual sense though, but people are always necessarily thinking about other people. What people think, say and do, matters. In this conscious world, there is no room for moments of embarrasment, or stupidity. All you care about is, looking good. Living this constrained life, the mind often feels vexed. The thought of freedom feels like the gateway to salvation. But breaking the rules of the conscious world is unacceptable. And then you drink. And as the divine liquid flows down into you, uniting with the juice of existence, suddenly, you sense no rules. The conscious world poses like a theatre of jokers, and...

Illusion is safe. Illusion is nice. Illusion is what helps me survive. I try not to see what is, and pretend to see things that everyone so easily does. Illusion makes my life clear. Illusion gives me choices, and keeps me away from that single truth of no choice. Illusion creates a different reality, until reality totally fades out. Walking on designated trails is so much simpler. 'Coz it tells you where you fit in. I am supposed to be one lost piece of the giant jigsaw puzzle.

Stop taking things for granted. You have been gifted with people in your life, and they are all that you need to live by. They are the only ones who make your otherwise dull life, full of colors and fun. They are people you cannot possibly live without, not physically, but emotionally. And there is that one person in your life, that you possibly cannot trade for any damn thing in this world, he is all that you need for this sustenance, and for the lot more lives to come, if at all. You definitely cannot take him for granted. And yet I do it. Why, is a constant question I keep asking myself. And perhaps will continue. But well, is that what is meant by closeness? Love? Is that what they mean? I am not sure, I have never really been. I read something about the “One”. Yes, life is supposed to be some natural flow of all things, living and otherwise, all in continuous existence with one another. Now that was some impressive literature, I must say. And when I read it, I really believed it....

I had been expecting it for a while now. It kinda excited me to wait, and picture, pictures of little christmas greetings, with little snow covered houses, reindeers and the snowman, bright colors in the background of white. The exhilaration of imagination is sometimes so great, that it overcomes all fear, all apprehension. Like I thought, it came silently, while I was asleep. The sudden wake up call in the morning, was my best till today, coz the next moment, I found myself looking for my glasses, so that I could get a glimpse of what I had been waiting for so long. White flakes covered the green, I longed to get out. I saw tiny specs falling from the sky, as though Mother Earth was being bequested with some treasure. Dry leaves that had covered the earth till now, had suddenly turned into bowls of snow. I picked up a leaf, and touched the snow. It sent a shiver through me, symbollically and literally. I covered myself well and went to school. I was returning to my office in school, a...

For the love I had for life, I didn't fall off from my balcony that night. It was strange, of how the balcony had always beckoned, sending me into this trance, where death seemed like the only option available. It wasn't like I was tired of living this life, or had too many regrets to face, I was having fun alright, doing what I wanted to, carving life the way I thought best. And yet, one unguided glance at the balcony, and the wind from outside would seducingly invite, and I would be there. Some temptations are just too hard to resist. Once there, my hands on the little rails, I would look down, down the abyss, and just then, it'll happen. It would seem like a gust of wind pulling me down, voices sounding from beneath, imploring me to escape. And then the great thrust would come, from nowhere, from inside me, and I would float in the air, smiling and at peace, till the final thud. I open my eyes, and I know I am frightened. For I know, I should take care, lest the temptat...